People are always gona talk..so just give them something good to talk about..

How I feel right now..but i guess she doesn’t..she’s too busy gallivanting around with her friends..

Who am I to say much?

I should really stop trying to bake cakes, plan a surprise and make people happy..cos we all know where it all ends up..

In my kitchen dustbin…

Then you get accused of not trying and that I don’t make it special..blah blah blah..just go with your loved ones..I guess I’m not..

My fault, again..

I think I have yet stumbled upon another juncture in this game called life..stumble being the operative word..despite the boost of ego after being poached while at work, I remained humbled by the lack of courage to make a decision..

I’ve seek opinions from those that went through it, those I trust and the one I love..yet, after sifting and weighing and deliberating, the only thing missing is a conclusion..

Tick tock tick tock..

Many would shove and kill just to grasp that opportunity..so why shouldn’t I? Then comes the question of what I’m about to give up and leave behind just to take that leap..it’s not a leap of faith but a leap to a greater income ceiling but with that will I lose the happiness I gained in my 4 years stint? The comfort? Maybe the reason is I’m too comfortable..but that makes me happy..and isn’t that the ultimate goal in life? Then now wait..doesn’t money make one happy too?

Maybe I haven’t been true to myself..maybe I’m just walking through life with eyes slightly opened..

But definitely maybe, I need to make a decision..

Some things lasts for a night while others lasts forever..

And it’s Friday!

I just wana run home to my baby….

“You know you’re pathetic when you find yourself crying all over your laptop, ash flying into your silver-streaked eyed from the trembling cigarette between your fingers, listening to the beat of the hurt pounding through your veins and googling his name over and over just to find some semblance of connection to him… And you know it’s rock bottom when it’s not even some guy who emotionally battered you over and over again, those guys who come and go like fireflies, just like all those other guys… but your own father.

I’m sorry for blaming you, for everything I just couldn’t do. I forgive all your mistakes. I want to tell you how much I miss you since you’ve been away. Since you left 7 years ago, since you drilled that void in my heart, since you took yourself away from me. You were my hero, my best friend, the love of my life. I miss you so much, Ayah. I want you to hug me like you did when I was 12. I want to smell you again - that scent of Winston cigarettes and dark, dark coffee. I want to hear Kenny G and Toni Braxton and Boys II Men and Mariah Carey playing in the house again. I want to hold your hand when I walk across the road. And see your eyes smiling back at me when I do something silly or stupid. I want you to love me again, I want you to love me like how you did when I was 12 and I was your little girl. I want you to walk beside me and kick the waves up with me again. I want you to ruffle up my hair when I sit beside you doing my homework. And I want to look back at you and smile at you and have you smile at me. I want to wake up and find that the past 7 years… It was all just a dream. That I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and when I come back, you’ll be in the living room, silently smoking your cigarettes and listening to your music, and you’ll ask me about my day and you’ll be proud of me, so proud of me, so proud of what I’ve achieved, so proud of the woman I have become, so proud of your little girl…

You never gave me an explanation… You never told me what was it about her that make you decide to leave my mother, that made you leave me… Were we really that bad? Was I really horrible? Was I never the daughter you wanted? That you had to go and make a new family for yourself? I hate you so much. But I never really hated you because I still hope that you’ll call me and tell me how sorry you are for everything, for leaving me without you. Because you never really did say sorry… You could say I was a horrible daughter, you could say all that, I don’t care what you say anymore, I don’t care, I don’t care, you can say anything you want, anything you want in the world, Daddy, just come back come back come back please come back… I need you so much… Just come back I don’t want to pretend anymore I miss you so much I’ve always missed you you were the always the one I cry about you never told me about boys you never told me I miss you I just want you back I just want you to hug me and tell me you love me and I’m still your favourite girl that you’re proud of me that it doesn’t matter where I study what I’m doing who I am because I’m your daughter and you love me everything I do is because of you YOU Daddy YOU Mama will love me no matter what she loves me even if I screw up my life but I don’t want to do that because I want you to be proud of me I want you to love me please love me again Ayah please love me again no matter what just please come back and love me

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you”

An entry I took from a blog. Almost teared cos somehow in a weird way I can relate to what the author is feeling. Maybe it’s because I get to know how a child would feel losing their father. But the relationship with my own isn’t close enough to get hurt that much. And that’s, the saddest part. I never got to know my father.

Like they say, “It’s not good for me”.. So why do I still do what I do?